The Spring Catalog Has Arrived
by Leslie Knope
Hello everyone in Pawnee Land, it's your Parks Department deputy director/city councilwoman, and I've got a VERY exciting announcement! What is it? Are you dying to find out? Are you at the edge of your seat? If so, then you're in the perfect reading position. If not, get closer to the edge. Closer. Closer. Closer. If you fell off, get back on. Okay, great, you're there. Now get even closer to the edge because here... it... comes...
(Pause for effect.)
The Spring Catalog is here!! (If I were there right now with you, I'd be playing a trumpet fanfare and throwing confetti up in the air because it's just that exciting.)
Yes! The Spring 2013 Catalog has arrived and we've got some awesome new courses. I'm most excited to take Harry Potter's Wheel - where Irma Frenchak will be teaching us how to make all the different kinds of pottery found in the background of the Harry Potter movies (or, as they're more commonly known, the best movies of all time). Finally, you'll have something beautiful in which to display the handmade wands you made in the winter 2012-13 class Harry Potter's Woodshop (grumpily supervised by Ron Swanson). This course will FOR SURE fill up fast so get your applications in quickly!!
As you can no doubt see, spring 2013 is going to be our best season yet! And then it'll summer 2013 and then fall 2013, and then it will just keep getting better and better.
Forever a Student, Forever a Pawneean,
by Donna Meagle
Sorry for the personal post, but I'm trying to cast a wide net:
Single woman looking for three men to help her fulfill various tasks on February 14th. Duties will be (but not limited to): cooking, cleaning, pedicures, back rubs and so on. Please send resumes and a recent photograph to Donna.Meagle@PawneeIndiana.com.
P.S. This whole posting is a joke - BECAUSE MEAGLE DOESN'T NEED ANY MORE MEN IN HER LIFE.
P.P.S. If you think you're fine enough (Taye Diggs and up), then you may send in a photo (full body). No response guaranteed.
A Note from Ron Swanson
Dictated by April Ludgate
The game "Jenga" is absurd. Any game that a child can beat you in is not a game at all. The wooden game pieces are also inconsistent. A game that relies on structure stability must at least provide properly sanded and weighted wood. I also do not like the game "Sorry." Please submit my thoughts to the Parker Brothers and direct their attention to the game of chess.