Volume 5, No. 5

February 20, 2014


by Leslie Knope


Mark your calendars, Pawnee. Block out two weeks in July 2024. Because the Olympics are coming to Pawnee!!

Yep – you read that right! The Southern Indiana Summer Olympics are coming to Pawnee in 2024! No more having to tune in to patchy AM radio stations to follow along. And no more driving several hours to witness the action live. In 2024, it’ll be in our own backyard. ALL of your favorite events, including:

Synchronized Duck Calling

Raccoon Hunting

And of course, the most exciting sport: the Southern Indiana Biathlon. Invented in Pawnee, it’s an uphill recumbent bicycle marathon immediately followed by blindfolded darts. No one has ever completed it. Will 2024 be the year??

So who will be the final torchbearer? Who will take gold in the 1000-meter Watermelon Sprint? Which town will win the most medals? Will Pawnee’s own Jore Jallowitt become the most decorated Southern Indiana Olympian in history (and will he still be alive)? Only 12 years will tell!

In the meantime, check out the events currently going on in Sochi. Sure they’re no substitute, but they’re still pretty exciting. Except for curling. It’s like watching ice freeze.

Leslie Knope



by April Ludgate


Attention demons and gorgons,

The animal shelter is holding an adopt-a-thon. We have tons of dogs and cats that need to find their forever homes. So if you think you actually deserve the love of a loving animal, stop by. But you’ll have to pass Orin’s Test of Willpower first, and then MAYBE we’ll consider you. Pets are the real humans.

Go away,
April The Destroyer




by Donna Meagle


To the wearer of that bold and daring cologne that lingered in the elevator this morning…

You know where I am.





I happened to watch some of the Olympic games on television the other day. It was enjoyable. However, the best Olympic event is not an actual event. It is Being A Man.


Ron Swanson


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