Volume 4, No. 6

March 7, 2013


by Leslie Knope


Hello March! And Hello Pawnee!

If you haven’t noticed things have been going incredibly well the past month. There have been zero recorded arrests at Circle Park in 30 days. Sure, that’s partly because a few criminals got away on a couple occasions, but overall, we should celebrate. With that said, here are more announcements for the coming month we’d appreciate that you keep in mind:

DON’T DRINK THE WATER IN CARREY FOUNTAIN – We are aware that the Sweetums factory run-off collects by this monument and makes the water unnaturally sweet, but it is NOT SAFE TO DRINK. Please just think about it for a moment before you drink it. I mean raccoons bathe in that thing. And, yes, we are also working on stopping that as well.

DO NOT FEED THE FISH IN THE RAMSETT PARK AQUARIUM – This is not a public aquarium, somebody put it there, and we are doing our best to figure out what to do with it. But in the meantime, please keep your distance, because it does kind of seem like a weird trap.

WEAR GREEN ON MARCH 17th! – It’s St. Patrick’s Day and you don’t want to get pinched do you?! You’re welcome! Also, just wear green in general. It’s an underrated color!

Well that’s all for official government announcements. Now, for some unofficial government announcements: I love you all like my own children!

Happy March,
Leslie Knope
Deputy Director, Parks and Recreation



by Chris Traeger


Spring is almost here, and you all know what that means, right? Runners of Pawnee, unite, because:

It’s marathon season, everyone! Yes, you read that and re-read that correctly. It is literally the most wonderful time of the year. Marathon time! I’m talking Boston, Chicago, Los Angeles, New York and Charlottesville to name a few. Sadly, Pawnee doesn’t have a marathon and my job keeps me from traveling to compete in these ultimate running events. But you know my motto: “Nothing can keep a biped down.” So I’m organizing my own!

The 1st Annual Traeger-thon will be on March 17th at 7:00 a.m. We’ll meet at the abandoned slaughterhouse on Franklin Rd. (on the north side of the street, if you hit Callaway’s Crayon Emporium, you’ve gone too far… but stop in and take a tour… it’s FASCINATING!). Our route will take us through the beauty and splendor that is Pawnee, and we’ll end up at City Hall for a celebratory protein shake and 3-hour yoga session.

Winner of the Traeger-thon gets a trophy! And everyone else is also a winner! Remember: the only losers in a marathon are calories and heart disease!

So get your legs loose and your enthusiasm looser because the Traeger-thon will be extremely empowering!




by April Ludgate


I’m missing a snail. I understand that someone may have thought the snail was not meant to be on my desk and picked him up and brought him outside. You, however, are wrong. He was supposed to be on my desk and he is awesome, so bring him back, or else.

April Ludgate




Phone books. They are the ultimate violation of privacy. The government should not be in the business of printing personal information and giving it away for free. Further, they are a waste of beautiful trees. Once again, join me in boycotting the phone book.

Ron Swanson


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