Volume 4, No. 7

April 4, 2013


by April Ludgate


April Ludgate at your service. Leslie is out of town visiting stupid Partridge, and I either lost or deleted the email with her newsletter entry. So congratulations or whatever because you got me instead.

Parks are very green and super important for the future of our children so come visit them.

Okay, that’s out of the way. Here’s what you really need to know, Pawnee paper pushers… In like 6 billion years, the sun is going to explode and the Earth will be gobbled up in the explosion. That’s why it’s important to be yourself and do what you want to do now, not what someone makes you do. So if you really want to come play in a park and enjoy the outdoors, then do it, I don’t care, I’m not your mom. Sun exploding, everyone dead, etc.

Goodbye forever!!!
April Ludgate
Dog whisperer
Serpent temptress
Magician’s assistant



by Chris Traeger


It is truly my great pleasure to announce the reopening of the hiking trails for the spring season! I was given the honor of testing out these trails, by asking if I could do it, and then doing it! And boy let me tell you they are a real thrill. Here are just a few trails that are a must!

DUSTY DIXIE PASS – This trail may seem like just a dirt path at first, but it is so much more! Named after one of Pawnee’s original settlers and body traders, Dusty Dixie, who made this mountainside her place of business. And once you break through the first three layers of smog, you’ll see why! There is literally nothing in sight for miles, and the surrounding brushery provides such an amazing feeling of isolation, it’s no wonder Dusty Dixie chose to die right here in the very place she worked. All historical speculation on her cause of death aside!

HERO’S CORNER – Originally the path taken by Pawnee’s wealthiest settlers and Wamapoke slaughterers, escaping to set up camp in Eagleton – this trail is the perfect representation of all the great things they left behind! And while Eagleton’s side of the trail is gated off, we still have the abandoned rabbit holes AND 28 different mutations of ragweed! That’s right! Take a day and count them all! I know I did! Twice! I’m allergic to 14 of them!

CARL’S PEAK – From 1978 to 1992 the city of Pawnee was in an ongoing dispute with a guy named Carl who claimed he could live wherever he wanted, and this peak was what he called home! And after being here who could blame him?! I certainly couldn’t, and I told him exactly that! Pawnee lost the dispute and Carl lives there legally now. He has made some amazing additions to what is easily the most beautiful 360-degree view of suburban Indiana. Including, but not limited to: painted rocks, painted dirt and painted trees! He also sells milk! As a city official and a reasonable human, I cannot recommend you purchase anything from him, but the sights alone are worth the strange smell!

Well that is all for now, because I was told I had to keep it under 400 words, but please do yourself a favor and hike your hearts out… and into shape!

Happy Hiking,
Chris Traeger
City Manager!




by Donna Meagle


With spring now here, the Parks Department is excited to welcome back our annual: Clean Out Your Closet and Donate Your Stuff to the Homeless Drive in Circle Park (yes, I’m still working on a better name for it… leave me be). We’ve had some confusion over the last few years, so listen up, people.

1. Clothes only. This is not a trash dump. Do not make me yell at you.
2. Wash everything before you donate it. Do not make me yell at you.
3. Do not yell at me, or I will yell at you.

The Parks Department thanks you for your goodness and charity. Meagle out.




I will not engage in a conversation relating to the terms “April Fool’s Day” or “Spring Cleaning.” I suggest you do the same. Remove “April Fool’s Day” and “Spring Cleaning” from your vocabulary. You will thank me.

Ron Swanson


© 2013 City of Pawnee and its licensors. All rights reserved.