Parks and Recreation

Welcome to Pawnee

News and Notes – updated April 29th, 2010


  • Join Nick Newport, Sr. and his youthful wife Jessica Wicks at Turnbill Mansion this weekend in celebration of Mr. Newport’s 85th birthday! Those who have not yet received their invitations by mail may consider themselves not invited.

  • Sign your child up for this year’s Ramsett Park Maypole Dance! To avoid last year’s dangerous ensnarements, each child should carry only one ribbon, walk in a clockwise direction, and remain 15 feet away from the nearest child and 40 feet away from the maypole. It’s gonna be a blast!

News and Notes – updated April 8th, 2010


  • Ramsett Garden’s Spring Flower Picking has been suspended indefinitely. The garden is filled with aphids that are seemingly impervious to poison. The garden is theirs now.
  • The water fountains in the parks are for drinking only. There are to be no more child-bathing, science experiments, or cult baptisms.

News and Notes – updated April 1st, 2010


  • Come see the finals of the Junior Basketball League’s “March Madness” Championship, between the Pawnee Militia and the Eagleton Injuns! Due to this year’s regrettable match-up, all players must attend a cultural sensitivity seminar before the game.
  • Parents needn’t worry about the hypodermic needles discovered in the sand at Tucker Park. The sandbox’s natural bacteria have rendered them virus-free.
  • Please stop sudsing the parks’ ponds. Our geese do not understand April Fool’s Day.

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