Volume 3, No. 4
January 12, 2012


Thanks to our fair city’s generally high level of affluence — and our perfectly calibrated budgetary algorithm, which maximizes government revenues without suppressing business expansion, leading Forbes Magazine to label us a “model city the rest of America would do well to emulate” — things are going swimmingly in the Parks and Recreation Department.

Complimentary Ghirardelli Hot Cocoa with Hand-Toasted Marshmallows will remain available at park kiosks all Winter long, and next week our complimentary Wi-Fi network will be online and operational (just in time for our iPad Immersion Program for Infants, which is also gratis, of course). Starting June 15, Grantham Pond will be open for all-day swims, and the adjacent Brinkley Tanning Field will be populated with attendants ready to provide water mistings and fresh pineapple rounds. What’s more, we plan to out-do ourselves this Autumn by bringing back the highly-popular and 100% free-of-charge “Dawn-O’er-Eagleton” Hot Air Balloon Voyages. Enquire at City Hall.

We hope you enjoy a perfect 2011!



  • Friday’s usual Nighttime Fireworks Spectacular has been cancelled, as rocket operator Wallace Holloway is currently presiding over the Pyrotechnics World Championship in Brussels. We promise to make it up to our fine citizens, in surprising and innovative ways that people in other towns can only dream of.
  • Friday’s usual Early Evening Firecracker Extravaganza, operated by Wallace’s son, Robert Holloway, will go on as planned.
  • Eagleton’s own Vilafolli Vineyard has produced too much wine (again!) this year. Per our town charter, the excess bottles will be distributed free of charge at the Pennington Square Farmers Market this weekend. Remember: Eagletonites are limited to 4 cases each.
  • We have just received word that our own Wallace Holloway has won the Silver Medal at the Pyrotechnics World Championship in Brussels! According to his telegram, “Second Prize STOP Bested only by Guentchev of Bulgaria STOP Will I ever vanquish the great Guentchev? STOP Yes by God yes I will yes STOP Will make it my life’s mission to defeat Guentchev and bring pride to Eagleton STOP Best to everyone END.” Congratulations, Wallace! You’ll get ’em next year!


We’re kidding, of course. We don’t gossip in Eagleton. It just isn’t done. A friendly reminder from the Parks Department.

CINEMA PARADISOBy Jackson Harrison

Milos Forman

The Eagleton Parks and Recreation Department’s 10th Annual International Film Festival has announced its Grand Judge, and it’s none other than Academy Award-winning director Milos Forman. So get your tickets to all of the fine films now, because they’re going fast, and also because we would prefer that people from other towns don’t get the chance to attend.

Also, reserve your spot now for “Me and Milos: An Intimate Evening,” wherein I sit down with Mr. Forman and discuss his films, as well as my screenplay, “A Brilliant Rain,” to which Willem Dafoe is attached.


Plates, the new local/organic American bistro on Lanover Street, recently received Gastronomique Francaise’s highest honor, the Gold Rating. Congratulations to chef and owner Terrence Eaujeune and the whole Plates team.

Eagleton’s Parks Department, in association with the Land Preservation Trust, proudly announces the opening of Indiana’s first fully-sustainable fish farm, featuring delicious stone crabs. Cast away, and keep Eagleton’s conscience clean — and your bellies full of stone crab!

Ever notice how chocolate is sweeter and richer in Eagleton? According to scientists at the Eagleton Science Academy, this is due to chemicals in cocoa beans naturally reacting to the rich, lush soil found almost exclusively in our home town. Here, the whole town is literally dirt rich!

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