Parks and Recreation

Welcome to Pawnee

News and Notes – updated September 17th, 2010


  • It’s that time of year again — bring your umbrellas, ponchos, and tarps when visiting Whitmore Park! Pawnee’s thirteen thousand swamp sparrows should complete their migration by mid-week.
  • A note to our former friends over at the Eagleton Hot Air Balloon Company: stop landing in Pawnee’s parks! Your monstrous balloons create grass-killing shadows on our ground and pose bird hazards in our sky. And you have almost crushed so many of our Park Maintenance workers we have to conclude you are aiming for them. From now on, any hot air balloon that touches Pawnee soil will be seized, popped, and set alight. You have been warned.

News and Notes – updated September 2nd, 2010


  • Lost in all of the bad news about the government being shut down is the fact that neither the massive egg recall nor the massive salmonella outbreak has affected Pawnee in the slightest! Which is a relief, what with our weakened immune systems from all the diabetes and Hep-A.
  • Reminder: September 4th is Harsh Sun Day, when the hole in the ozone layer is directly over Pawnee. Stay inside, or, if you must, wear heavy sweaters and large opaque hats. Don¬ít let 1978 happen again.

News and Notes – updated August 5th, 2010


  • The gigantic burning crosses seen last evening at Tucker Park were merely old telephone poles flagged for demolition – fire was the best way to destroy the termite-infested timber. We extend our apologies to all of the park’s neighbors, especially Pawnee’s N.A.A.C.P. field office.
  • If you know anything about the dead raccoon in the Rec Center pool, you are asked to email the Parks department immediately. Raccoons can swim, so we know it didn’t die of natural causes. This was murder.

News and Notes – updated July 22nd, 2010


  • The new cylindrical steel canisters at Tucker Park are simply benign “collection tanks” being monitored for a new federal government study. Please do not mistake the canisters for trashcans though, as discarded objects and passersby could spontaneously ignite.
  • Pawnee is going green! Stop by Wamapokestone Park and learn how you can compost almost* anything.
    *Any carcasses, animal or otherwise, will immediately be turned over to authorities, and an investigation will commence.

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