Volume 4, No. 10

September 19, 2013


by Leslie Knope


IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT! Stop what you’re doing and read this (unless, if what you’re doing is reading this, in which case good work! Please ignore my previous instruction and continue reading…):

The public pool in Circle Park will be closed until the culprit dumping liquid nitrogen in the water stops. While I applaud your chemistry knowledge, and I admit it looks really cool, it’s incredibly dangerous and I know I speak for everyone when I say just stop it. Okay? Just stop it right now. Pools are fun. Chemistry sucks. The end.

Now that that’s out of the way, I have an EVEN MORE IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!! Keep reading this!!

We’re only weeks away from Halloween. So get your costume planning board out, go through all of the newspaper and magazine clippings you’ve saved up over the year for inspiration… it’s time to figure out what you’re gonna be! The Parks Department’s annual costume contest is hands down the highlight of every October (except for the unfortunate incident in October 1997, may their memories be a blessing). Let the countdown begin!

So until next month, stop dumping and get pumping!




by Chris Traeger


In case you all haven’t noticed, it’s hot out there, and I am literally referring to the temperature. I take pride in taking care of my body, the only one I’ll ever have (unless medical technology improves drastically in the next few decades), so here are a few tips to stay cool and safe during the heat wave:

1. Slow down and avoid strenuous activity. Great advice, Chris! I, for one, have already shortened my daily 5k to 4k and while I’m feeling a little sluggish in the afternoon from lack of exercise, it’s not from heat stroke.
2. Drink chrysanthemum tea. It’s potent, delicious, and has a cooling effect that help clears the head. The trifecta!
3. Drink water. In addition to all of that chrysanthemum tea you’re drinking. Whoever said it is right: water is amazing! And I said it!
4. Eat popsicles. Warm weather is a great excuse to eat some popsicles. I make mine at home using berry lemonade (made, of course, from only the freshest lemons, berries, and stevia. And kale for fiber. And also wild salmon oil for omega-3’s)!
5. Stop by my office. It’s cool, and I’m here! We can talk more tips.

Stay cool. Stay hydrated. Stay amazing!





by Donna Meagle


Miley Cyrus gets it. Anyone who has a problem with that, better keep it to their damn selves.





Football has returned to America. I am pleased.

Ron Swanson


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