Volume 5, No. 2

November 8, 2013


by Leslie Knope


Alert! Alert! This is the most important newsletter you will ever read.

Why, you ask? I’ll tell you in the next paragraph! Can you feel the anticipation growing? Here we go…

Our favorite autumn event, when we kick piles of fallen leaves to our heart’s content, is almost here. Yes, that’s right: Leaf Pile Day! I know I know… I can’t even contain my excitement – I’m actually jumping up and down as I type this very sentence. It’s the one day of the year when adults get to feel like kids again and when kids get to kick things without being yelled at!

So mark your calendars for Nov. 17th, get your leaf-kicking shoes out of the attic, and come on out to Circle Park for Leaf Pile Day!




by Chris Traeger


As you all know, the spectacular Ann Perkins is pregnant with my baby! (And if you didn’t know that, well, consider yourself caught up!) This impending fatherhood has filled me with profound happiness, glee and satisfaction unlike any ever experienced on Earth.

And how, literally, apropos as Thanksgiving is soon approaching. The holiday of family and togetherness. I cannot wait for Thanksgiving 2014, when I will sit around a beautiful table, surrounded by my family, carving a truly delectable seitan turkey. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

So for this Thanksgiving 2013, I wish every Pawneean a hearty feast as well as re-issue this most essential warning:

CHECK YOUR TURKEY’S WINGS! If there’s a bluish-green stain under them, then those turkeys have been infected by the Sweetums Dye Explosion of 2011 and you will surely get sick if you eat it. If you see the bluish-green stain, call the emergency turkey hotline immediately – those turkeys need to be destroyed!

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Chris “I Love Chutney More Than Life Itself” Traeger




by Donna Meagle


Big news! My holiday wish list is finalized, as well as the list of lucky men who will receive it. So check those inboxes, boys. Those who got the email… congrats, you’re an official suitor of the one and only Donna Meagle. Those who don’t receive it, better luck next year.

The first man to buy me every item on my list gets my heart and the body that surrounds it. Good luck, boys.





To whom it may concern:

The other day as I was walking into work, I noticed a flash of light out of the corner of my eye. Upon turning, I discovered the origin of this flash was a camera. A father was taking pictures of his children on the steps of City Hall. And to that father I write the following:

As a soon-to-be father, I respect your decision to document the life of your child. But I believe I am in the background of your shot and I do not wish to be. Please send me all printed photographs and permanently delete the digital file. Your understanding is appreciated.

Ron Swanson


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