Volume 5, No. 3

December 11, 2013


by Leslie Knope


Read closely Pawneeans, because this announcement is HUGE. How huge? Let’s just say that a certain Deputy Director of the Parks Department is jumping up and down as she types this… which is making typing very difficult, actually. But I don’t care because I’m so excited!

Winter Wonder-sand is back by popular demand (despite April’s desperate pleading against it)!!! Tucker Park is being taken over by real sand that’s been brought in by the truck-load all the way from the beautiful beaches of New Hampshire. What better way to pretend it’s 85 degrees out than by having our very own beach day in wintery Pawnee? There isn’t one! Bring your beach balls, sand pails, and lather up in sunscreen because when you want to pretend, you pretend all the way. We even found an old lifeguard tower online, and it’ll be available for pictures! (But the stability of said tower is currently being debated by engineers so stay off, please!)

Brrrr it’s cold… is what you WON’T be saying if you come to the Parks Department’s Winter Wondersand! You’ll be saying: YAY IT’S WARM I LOVE THE BEACH AND THE SUN!! (But you should also plan on bringing jackets, gloves, wool socks, and boots, because it’s going to be very cold outside.)

Stay warm and hang ten and happy holidays!



by Chris Traeger


Hello hello! This time of year is such a wonderful time. Some call it the most wonderful time of the year. I, Chris Traeger, call it the most spectacularly wonderful time of the year. And that’s because it’s a time of togetherness. And celebration. And holiday parties.

Holiday parties are literally my most favorite kind of party. Do you get to give gifts? Yes! Do you get to sing merry songs with your fellow man and woman? Yes! Do you get to wear fun sweaters? YES! Seems like the ingredients for any great party.

I always like to bring my world famous eggnog. Something I like to call: Traeg Nog. And for the first time, I’m letting the recipe out of the recipe vault (also known as my brain!):

2 cups unsweetened vanilla almond milk (the secret ingredient)
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
3 tablespoons of “Nature’s Sugar” (raw honey)
sprinkle of freshly ground nutmeg
sprinkle of cinnamon

That’s right, folks. No eggs!! Can you believe it? Heat all of those superb ingredients in a saucepan over medium until they simmer. Stir, letting them simmer some more. Then cool in your fridge and enjoy. And when people say to you, “Friend, that’s some delicious egg nog.” You say, “That’s because it’s Traeg nog, and thank you!”

Until next year, the happiest of holidays to you all!
– Santa Claus

(Just kidding! It’s me, Chris!)




by Donna Meagle


If you are a woman and this applies to you, remember that you are strong and that, if you love yourself, you will be happy.

If you are a man (**in good shape**) and this applies to you, remember: Meagle is available. For real. Hit me up on Tinder.





Ron Swanson Holiday Wish List:


Happy holidays,
Ron Swanson


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